Most of my everyday problems, when I look back on my life, have been things I knew to be problems right from the start, but avoided dealing with in an attempt to prevent some other problem.
For example, I didn't see a future in the religious community I was in as a child, but I didn't do anything about it for over 2 decades, because I didn't want to embarrass my family and feel like a bad person. Through my adult years, I spent a lot of time around people I didn't respect or feel energized by, because I was too afraid to be honest with myself about and validate what I wanted and what energized me. The relationships with people I did respect and feel energized by, would turn quickly sour over an issue that started off very tiny, because from the beginning of those relationships, I had been too afraid to offend people with my honesty.
I could have been living the amazing Bali lifestyle I'm living now, even as a "poor writer" years ago, but I didn't! Because, I felt too ashamed to even admit I wanted to live such a slow, "lazy" lifestyle. To be clear, I didn't just want to slow down; I needed to slow down. I was struggling with a lot of mental issues that needed unpacking. But I couldn't be honest with myself and the world about my real needs, lest someone try to imprison me or harm me over it. So I kept living in a way that was killing me.
Even now, I am constantly running into situations where I see something I like or dislike from the start, say, someone I meet gets me to accidentally commit to something I don't feel like doing, and I don't want to offend them, so I keep showing up as the person they thought they met who committed to the thing I had committed to. In addition to not really being the person who wanted to do the thing, I also become somewhat resentful. And that builds up over time. And inadvertently, my subconscious mind starts using tiny, little passive-aggressive ways of getting this person's attention to the fact that I should not be here, doing this thing. Perhaps, I show up a few minutes late to my interactions, or I say the person's name wrong. An energy is created to sour the relationship so that it can end, because my subconscious is trying to save me from becoming a fake, miserable version of myself.
It is really hard for me to be authentic. It is really difficult for me to be in a place, furiously hate something in it, say, the walls are too pink, or a friend's hairstyle is throwing me off, and then say or do something about it. "I can't stand the smell here." Or, "Why is everybody at this cafe so ugly and mean looking?"
If I have a thought or feeling about anything, my mind, as it has been trained to do since childhood, immediately tells me to shut up and suck it up. Whereas in the person who has been trained to self-validate, passing thoughts and feelings are able to pass through like they're supposed to, my passing thoughts and feelings are immediately met with a fight. They shouldn't even be called passing thoughts; they should be called warring thoughts. I am constantly warring with my thoughts, and have been my whole life.
So, my beautiful, healthy, sensitive mind, will notice a potential danger that nobody else in the room seems to notice, a bad smell for example, and in an attempt to protect my sensitive body, will try to let me know. And then the part of my mind that has been trained to self-censor at the whims of other people, will start fighting with that part of my mind.
"Are you sure it's not YOU who stinks?"
"How can you be so cruel, to think it smells bad in here? You are so rude."
"Why are you so negative all the time? Always noticing the bad things!"
So, by the time this originally innocent thought of "it smells" gets from my mind to my mouth or to my subconscious communication gates, it doesn't come out with the innocence it had first started with; instead, it comes out with the hostile, fighting, war energy of all the battling thoughts it had picked up along the way. And as the Law of Attraction would explain, this hostile, fighting energy creates the kind of situation that attracts a fight, and the resulting fight further reinforces the false belief in my mind that my thoughts and beliefs are not innocent, and must be constantly fought with, which continues this vicious cycle.
When you believe that your inner thoughts and feelings are a problem, perhaps as the result of a past life that trained you to see yourself like this, you will repeatedly do things and put yourself in situations where you are both unhappy and dishonest. You will also grow to resent your inner thoughts and feelings, the part of your conscious mind that feel like you. Dishonesty makes people hate themselves, and not just because they were "morally" taught to hate dishonesty.
When you hide parts of yourself from the world, you are constantly communicating to yourself and to the world that those parts do not belong in the world, and an energy is created to perpetuate this cycle. Even if you think you're doing it now to protect yourself, eventually the part of you that has been locked away for so long, will war with you. Because, while the parts of you that are seeing sunlight are evolving and receiving love and growing out there, the parts of you that are trapped in the dark are stuck with only your other thoughts and memories as comfort. The contrast between the open and publicly accepted parts of you and the private parts of you become stark.
Eventually, whether it is done consciously or subconsciously, your mind will start to believe that you really loathe the part of it that you have been hiding from the world for so long. And when it is time to find hobbies, friends, places, and situations that are truly matched to the real, inner you, it cannot happen without a fight, or fighting energy. There will be friction, even though you'd be so much more powerful if you had allowed yourself to be attracted to the things that are a better match with the real you.
The real you is the only you. Everything else is an imposter and a blockage that prevents you from getting to your goals and dreams faster and more smoothly.
My goal right now, having already cut out all anchors and distractions, and having attracted myself to the baseline life of my dreams, is to be as radically honest and authentic as possible. I only want to attract people, places, activities, and situations that vibe with the real me. I don't want to waste any of my precious time on this earth doing anything else.
I know this might take some time to develop, or happen with some friction. After all, the parts of me that I've held back for reasons of shame, fear, or lack of self-validation, are probably going to be expressed with that kind of energy. And others might see this energy, and throw it back at me. It might also take some time to get to know myself fully too, since I've trained my mind to be dishonest with me in the past.
But the cool thing about practicing honesty in a very conscious way, is that you know what to expect. You know that the first few times you tell someone who is not used to your honest that they smell like shit, you're going to start a fight. You know that if you've been dressing in black every day to so as to not be noticed at school, and then one day you decide to wear the color red because it feels more like the real you, it'll turn heads and maybe even sneers. You know that telling yourself and the world that you've decided to quit your corporate job and move to Thailand to live your dream life will be a huge transition, not to mention embarrassing in front of your family and friends.
But, eventually it'll settle down, as all situations do. People will adjust very quickly to the new you. More importantly, you'll get through the discomfort of change, and you'll end up in a magnanimously more optimal situation for your health, your mind, your goals in life, and for the world at large. You'll be not only a more honest person who is able to know and communicate what they want and need, and you'll be able to fit in the world in a way that is real and creates great energy.
Finally, you'll be a fish in the water, or a monkey in a tree, or a bird in the clouds, instead of a bird underwater, or a fish in a tree, or a monkey in the clouds.
When you learn to allow your subconscious mind to feel safe enough to be 100% honest and authentic with you (which you can do through a lot of self-validation - look it up on YouTube;)) and use this information to be radically honest with the universe at large, the universe will throw things back at you that only match with the real you.
It might take some time. The fish that's stuck in the tree might have to wiggle around a lot and maybe escape the death grip of some monkeys if it ever wants to find itself where it belongs, in the water. And you might have to go through many, many fights with yourself and the world if you want to end up in a place that is the exact fit for you and your life purpose.
But it will happen before you know it, and the end result will be glorious!
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